Sorry it's been so long guys! I just needed some inspiration and I've been busy with family and friends :) I found something to talk about though! It's not related to homosexuality, in fact I feel most of the stuff in this blog has been more relative to just life in general as opposed to homosexuality lol.
I believe I've mentioned this in past posts, the fact that I am very self conscious about my unmasculinity. Recently I have been tweaking out more and more because I can't quit comparing. I watched an ASAP Science video (along with plenty of night of thinking) that explained the body. Now, the reasons I feel unmasculine are mainly physical. I see myself as slim (because people are CONSTANTLY reminding me of how thin I am) short (I'm only 5'8) and as ridiculous as this sounds, hairless. I am under the impression, no thanks to society, that men need to be burly, tall and strong to support a family. Women are naturally drawn to tall muscular men and I am neither of those things. What doesn't help at all is, my best friend is VERY much your generic man. He is 6'1 and 200 lbs with a lot of natural muscle. I complimented him, but in the wrong way. This probably doesn't make a lot of sense right now, I'll explain. I would say something along the lines of "you're lucky you're so tall and naturally huge". This type of compliment was obviously directed towards him but also it was directed at myself. I would verbally put down myself by emphasizing the physical qualities I wish I had the he did. That is envy my friends.
Envy is just as any other sin, addicting and self destructive. I felt unfit for a family, a son, a brother, a friend and a man because of this. Just recently though, I found some quotes and videos, as I mentioned above, that have helped me change my mind. I convinced myself that I am not destined to be gay. I felt condemned to homosexuality because I wasn't masculine enough to take care of a woman or hold her. My son wouldn't have the big strong father he should have, not like the one my 6'1 beast of a man friend would be. Why would she choose me over him or another man just as big, if not bigger than him?
After thinking and reading multiple things, I came to realize that
1. people love people, not genders. I am not going to allow myself to be with a man only because I am unconfident in my own masculinity.
2. What happens, happens. If I meet a woman who I find intriguing then so be it! I will act on how I feel regardless of sex. I don't want to say I am Bisexual, because that is a title and I am not willing to accept titles. Titles are exactly what lead me to believe I am unfit for a man. I am just me, and that's that.
3. I am built to operate at my best. My body may not be huge and muscular, but the amount of muscle I do have is optimal for my bodies build to operate in the most healthy way possible. The best I can do is reach my individual peak of muscularity if I so please and take pride in the work I have done to get there. Being short and slim, with large ribs has a huge advantage. My friend I mentioned earlier in this blog may be able to lift more but I ran 30 minutes without exercising for a year, if not more. I'm built for endurance and that is just as good a quality as being big and strong. I don't mean to compare but for this particular reason, it will provide a good example. He lifts more than me, I can out run him. We're both built differently and there are a TON of people on this planet. There is no way that there is not one woman who wouldn't want to be with me. I say woman because at this point in time, I want a family of my own to take care of. When the time comes, however, I know I will be happy regardless of what sex I am with.
4.Being the best is impossible. There is only one person who can be number one. Everyone else is set on a level. Don't feel inferior to people on a higher level though because it's not like you're stuck on one level of whatever it is you decide to compare. Everything can be worked on. Not only that but there are other people on the same exact level as you. I don't know if this helps you as much as it helps me, I just like to feel that I'm not alone and that progress is a possibility. Also keep in mind that what that one person is good at that you feel you are not good at, is not as good as you at something you can do.
I am a little bit strange and I may be small, but I can run like Sonic and have faith that there is someone out there who will love me for who I am, other than my family and friends :) Everyone has a physical and personality preference for their ideal individual, that being said, that is A LOT of different variations of preferences. It doesn't matter if I am not the most attractive man, or even if I'm not as attractive as my friends. It's the fact that they are not who I am. They don't, nor can they, think like me, act like, or even be like me. Same goes for everyone else who is reading this. You are extremely unique in the best way possible. Embrace your personal skills and refrain from comparison to others. It will lead you deeper in to envious thoughts and end up destroying your mental health.
