So this band...

Is great. I first heard them on the radio when I was in the car with my boyfriend not too long ago. The song that played was called "Say Something" by A Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera. Such a beautiful song :D anywho! So in the comments of the music video for "Say Something" someone mentioned them being gay and I looked it up.

They are not gay, to my knowledge, however I found this song they did write called "Everyone Is gay". I love it not only musically and comically but it also displays quite a nice message. The way they phrase everything makes being bi, gay and straight all alike. They give us all the pros and no cons to all 3 sexual preferences and I think sometimes it's best we just hear what's good about us. We hear enough negativity as it is on a day to day basis. So give it a listen and I hope you like it :) It's very fun!

I don't know why but the video split my text in half, but oh well haha :)

Love you all and remember! There's nothing wrong with who you are! I don't care what anyone says, if you are happy with yourself then keep it and don't be afraid to flaunt it! The ones who pick on you are envious of your comfort. If you are unsatisfied for some reason, try changing it, if that doesn't work, try accepting it :) We over think so much and accepting yourself is honestly one of the most important and key things to living a good life :)

Shorty here

I just wanted to say that I hope this blog is serving it's purpose. I hope that the people who have read my blog are enjoying life or have a new, better perspective on something that was once a danger to themselves. Thank you to everyone who reads my MASSIVE posts :) You guys are awesome! I love everyone for the support and views :)

This video

You guys, this video is awesome. I honestly feel like I've taken too much for granted.

A man explains what existing is. Why we exist and teaches us to see it from a more...spiritual perspective. When I say spiritual I don't mean Religious, I mean as a community of the same race. Those emotions we all experience, those unwritten rules of humanity, such as murder is bad or that anxious feeling of disappointment. I've discussed my thoughts about the same topic, how we exist is not something just worthless, but it's for us. This man explains it much better than I do and he uses the comparison of science verses real world experience. Science tells us we are mating machines, we are programmed to survive. We are not programmed. Sure we experience instinct, and to the extent we may consider ourselves "programmed" but what you do, who you are, is all inside of you. I'll stop there and let you enjoy the video :)

No sugar coating it

I found this quote on a tumblr blog.

"And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. F*** it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself."

- Unknown

I frequently deal with the fact that I need to move on. I took a year off school and the future is calling. The thing that pulls me back, that deafens me, is my own confidence. Ever since 8th grade, when I attempted to accept myself and experienced such a negative reaction towards who I was, it destroyed my self esteem. It is my fault for allowing this to happen, I can't make excuses. The quote above is so simply blatant about being yourself that it just slapped me in the face. I am moving on from here, I signed up for a community college. That doesn't mean I'm 100% satisfied but it's a step in the right direction I feel.

I wanted to share this with you guys because I don't believe there is one life in this world that is and has always been satisfied with itself. Mistakes are just normal but we don't accept them as that and beat ourselves up. There are those of us that move on much more easily and those of us who have a much more difficult time facing it. The most important thing here is to just work yourself out of it. Pressure can be healthy in situations to help you move on or it can force you to curl up in your shell even more, just remember to do it on your own time. 

This is your life, your world, you will know what's best for you and at what time. You will know when you are either fully healed or taking advantage of your excuses. I just hope that you choose the right one, whoever you are and what you did. I hope the mistakes you made, or make, are never just a hole in your heart the rest of your life, fix it and help others with what you have learned. People need that. I sure as hell would have loved that guidance. You have to help yourself before you can help others. Make sure to give yourself some credit for taking on the world and make sure you know you love yourself. In all honesty I never really understood what it meant to be true to yourself, I mean...I knew the general aspect of it but I had to experience it to fully understand and now I do. Do what you would do. Don't ever do anything under influence, that's what it means to be true to yourself. Often times we suppress our quirkiness around others. Just do it. Simple as that, no thoughts about it, just do it.

Hopefully this all makes sense and someone takes the time to read it. I know all of my blogs are really long, I apologize for that, I guess I just have a lot to say.

Self Image

Sorry it's been so long guys! I just needed some inspiration and I've been busy with family and friends :) I found something to talk about though! It's not related to homosexuality, in fact I feel most of the stuff in this blog has been more relative to just life in general as opposed to homosexuality lol.

I believe I've mentioned this in past posts, the fact that I am very self conscious about my unmasculinity. Recently I have been tweaking out more and more because I can't quit comparing. I watched an ASAP Science video (along with plenty of night of thinking) that explained the body. Now, the reasons I feel unmasculine are mainly physical. I see myself as slim (because people are CONSTANTLY reminding me of how thin I am) short (I'm only 5'8) and as ridiculous as this sounds, hairless. I am under the impression, no thanks to society, that men need to be burly, tall and strong to support a family. Women are naturally drawn to tall muscular men and I am neither of those things. What doesn't help at all is, my best friend is VERY much your generic man. He is 6'1 and 200 lbs with a lot of natural muscle. I complimented him, but in the wrong way. This probably doesn't make a lot of sense right now, I'll explain. I would say something along the lines of "you're lucky you're so tall and naturally huge". This type of compliment was obviously directed towards him but also it was directed at myself. I would verbally put down myself by emphasizing the physical qualities I wish I had the he did. That is envy my friends.

Envy is just as any other sin, addicting and self destructive. I felt unfit for a family, a son, a brother, a friend and a man because of this. Just recently though, I found some quotes and videos, as I mentioned above, that have helped me change my mind. I convinced myself that I am not destined to be gay. I felt condemned to homosexuality because I wasn't masculine enough to take care of a woman or hold her. My son wouldn't have the big strong father he should have, not like the one my 6'1 beast of a man friend would be. Why would she choose me over him or another man just as big, if not bigger than him?

After thinking and reading multiple things, I came to realize that
1. people love people, not genders. I am not going to allow myself to be with a man only because I am unconfident in my own masculinity.
2. What happens, happens. If I meet a woman who I find intriguing then so be it! I will act on how I feel regardless of sex. I don't want to say I am Bisexual, because that is a title and I am not willing to accept titles. Titles are exactly what lead me to believe I am unfit for a man. I am just me, and that's that.
3. I am built to operate at my best. My body may not be huge and muscular, but the amount of muscle I do have is optimal for my bodies build to operate in the most healthy way possible. The best I can do is reach my individual peak of muscularity if I so please and take pride in the work I have done to get there. Being short and slim, with large ribs has a huge advantage. My friend I mentioned earlier in this blog may be able to lift more but I ran 30 minutes without exercising for a year, if not more. I'm built for endurance and that is just as good a quality as being big and strong. I don't mean to compare but for this particular reason, it will provide a good example. He lifts more than me, I can out run him. We're both built differently and there are a TON of people on this planet. There is no way that there is not one woman who wouldn't want to be with me. I say woman because at this point in time, I want a family of my own to take care of. When the time comes, however, I know I will be happy regardless of what sex I am with.
4.Being the best is impossible. There is only one person who can be number one. Everyone else is set on a level. Don't feel inferior to people on a higher level though because it's not like you're stuck on one level of whatever it is you decide to compare. Everything can be worked on. Not only that but there are other people on the same exact level as you. I don't know if this helps you as much as it helps me, I just like to feel that I'm not alone and that progress is a possibility. Also keep in mind that what that one person is good at that you feel you are not good at, is not as good as you at something you can do.

I am a little bit strange and I may be small, but I can run like Sonic and have faith that there is someone out there who will love me for who I am, other than my family and friends :) Everyone has a physical and personality preference for their ideal individual, that being said, that is A LOT of different variations of preferences. It doesn't matter if I am not the most attractive man, or even if I'm not as attractive as my friends. It's the fact that they are not who I am. They don't, nor can they, think like me, act like, or even be like me. Same goes for everyone else who is reading this. You are extremely unique in the best way possible. Embrace your personal skills and refrain from comparison to others. It will lead you deeper in to envious thoughts and end up destroying your mental health.

The worst kind of hope...

Is the hope that becomes a growth. It's a cancer building upon itself until we can't see anything else happening, we don't want to see anything else happen, other than seeing this hope become our reality.

I bring this up because it's something I often easily find myself fighting. Hope that maybe I'll be straight, hope that maybe being a musician isn't as unstable as people say, hope that people will be accepting. For those of us who enjoy feeling and allow ourselves to embrace our emotions, we deal with this a lot. It is and is not our fault.

The more we think about it (the more we want it), the more we can see it become our future. Worse part is, there is still that little voice telling us "This isn't right". I will never say all hope is vein but it's all in moderation. We control our thoughts and in this sense it is our fault. It is not our fault completely though because we can't control what we want and what we don't, we can only control to what degree we want it.

Now, this is the hardest part, ignore it. I hate to say it, but when hope is eating you alive because you know that this is just not possible, yet you continue to fantasize because it's something you've always wanted, something so divine that it will affect you in the best way possible, it's time to stop. What is in our future will be there, it's waiting and what happens happens. It's not going to change when the moment passes. It will happen just as it should and if what does happen doesn't match up to what you think should happen, you will be distraught after allowing those fantasies to consume your thoughts.

It's best to realize the unhealthy addictions before it has a chance to damage you. Hope is a grand aspect of life, it aids us in our pursuit of our goals. Without it, ambition wouldn't exist, we need that want, that hope that something will happen and grant us this gift.When it so obviously is too farfetched, it's destructive. So don't ever give up on dreams, don't lose your hope, just don't expect it to happen. Expect everything and be satisfied with nothing, or expect nothing and be satisfied with everything.

I apologize if my blogs have become increasingly depressing lately, but these have been things I have dealt with. Everything on this blog will be something I have personally dealt with. Some of them will be light hearted others may not, but I just wanted to get this warning out there.

Basically put, keep yourself in check. Don't expect anything to happen or you will find yourself disappointed too often. Hope this helps open some eyes :) hope you guys have all experienced something fantastic lately! Love you all :)

Your mind is your worst enemy

Hey friends :) Today I was thinking about why homosexuality is not a terrible thing. It's kind of funny I made this blog to directly assess the topic of homosexuality and I've been discussing the byproducts such as depression, self rejection, and suicide more so than I have the topic of being gay.

I figured tonight I would post my thoughts on homosexuality. More on a social level as opposed to religious though because I don't know how many people are religious and whether we deal with the religious side or not, we will all face the social rejection.

Let's think about society for a second. Now, I don't want to be some sort of hippy who says society is corrupt and blah blah blah, but they create ideas in our minds of right and wrong that aren't necessarily right or wrong. Example, I have faced difficulties finding myself attractive because I am very short, thin, and just feel unmasculine. Why do I feel this way though? It's because society has created this image that men should be tall, muscular, eat beef jerky, and drink beer. A man is a man. Simple as that, if you have your man hood, you're a man. Sorry if that's weird but I mean....there's no sense in complicating it. Society freaks out about everything. They believe sugar, along with a million other foods, when mass consumed, causes cancer with no back up research. Anything in excess can have a terrible outcome, but they are just constantly searching for answers and homosexuality is one thing that is unanswered.

Personally, I can understand the fear of the unknown to an extent. Space scares me because we haven't explored it yet, it's huge, it's deadly and dark. I even feel uneasy in pitch black because I don't know what's there, but when it comes to personality, the unknown does not affect me. So, I guess I can't comprehend why people are afraid of homosexuality just because it's unexplained. Since homosexuality is such an unknown topic though, people are immediately detesting it because it doesn't make sense, it's strange. Now what the heck is wrong with abnormality? There is not one single human on this planet that is not considered strange by someone else.

The issue is perspective. I just think that when one perspective has been expressed, especially by a community, it becomes a mindset. The mindset grows on people and becomes apart of their own beliefs, homosexuality is victim of this permeating perspective. People express dislike towards homosexuals, and yet they have problems of their own. The pot calling the kettle black. Don't you dare tell me I am abnormal just because I express my differences. If I looked down deep enough to find something I found odd about you, I could easily point it out and ridicule that same someone who ridicules me. At least I am comfortable enough to be me, to allow myself my happiness in my so called "mistake".

The worst part is we can't change this. What others feel or think is not in our control, but that doesn't mean we should be taken down because of them. Your mind is your own worst enemy. No one can put you down without your consent. Filter your thoughts, filter the outside influences and rid yourself of them. If someone keeps putting you down and makes you feel uncomfortable with yourself, tell them either they need to keep their mouth shut or you need to stop talking because it's not fair. You could just as easily express disappointment in them against something you don't agree with that they do. Learn to ignore the comments, it's not easy at all. Feeling isolated like that is hurtful. When you know people are against you, especially a whole community is against you, it's tough but you know there is also a lot of people who aren't. There are a million people who would love to help or to accept others. The thing is, the people who dislike homosexuality are just very outspoken about it, the people who don't mind don't feel the need to say anything because it doesn't bother them, if that makes sense. People seem to just love to complain I guess is what it is. Just know, that they have as many faults as you do. I don't care how perfect they seem, they have something about them that another person would consider either strange or wrong.

Basically, just ignore rude comments. What is life anyways? Are we not here to spend time? Shouldn't that time be worth spending? Then love yourself and other, because being hateful, even if the hate seems justified, is not good. Two wrongs don't make a right. Don't get caught up in those things and just brush off the negatives :) Remember, you aren't weird or abnormal, it's all perspective. Hope this makes sense to you guys and you act on it :)