After 6 years..

So I feel like I haven't posted anything for 6 years lol. It's probably been only 5 days? I can't remember and I'm too lazy to check at this very moment, but good news! I got some people to share my blog and got some professional recommendations to share it as well. I am starting a meet up on Meetup.com, so excited :D I have still had a very difficult time thinking of things to talk about but, one thing that can get to me quite often is, why am I who I am? I don't mean the way I was raised but more so, why did I have to turn out gay?

I have friends who don't disown me because I'm gay but don't necessarily like that I'm gay. They encourage I fight it, yet say they accept it. I love that they are okay with it, and they feel they can express themselves around me, but what never feels okay is that I know it's something they want me to deny. Do they accept me? I always think to myself, if they did then why would they feel this way? I guess they don't necessarily dislike me, it's something I am they dislike, but to me...what I am is who I am.

This leads me to ask, why couldn't I just be straight? Life would be so much easier. I would love to have children of my own flesh and blood, a product of love, something very precious between me and my spouse. Religiously it would save me troubled thoughts of potentially going to hell. I know having children (naturally) is not possible though with who I am. I always want to say "who I've chosen to be", but I never chose this. Honestly, if I could still be me without being gay then I would! In a heart beat. Here's the thing though, is it possible to be me if I had never been trialed?

If I was never gay, or even had the thoughts at all, I would have never felt the rejection of myself or from others that rejected me back in 8th grade. Those were terrible times, I won't lie, but they are key to who I am today. I hated myself, I felt hate from others, and in this I was able to learn to care more than ever. Feeling so low and down allowed me the capability to empathize for others who feel low as well. Not only this but I've learned it's important to put myself in the shoes of others.

The reason I started this blog is because of the stuff I faced, the reason I want to make a community support group is to help people who are fighting what I have fought. I hope this is all coming clear, I'm okay with being gay, even if I face some sort of passive/aggressive rejection because it's helped me help others. Putting myself into the shoes of others has taught me to give the benefit of the doubt to others. Horrible things happen to good people, people are bullies as a result of this, people judge as a result of this, and I don't want to say I'm okay with such behaviors but I can't blame them.

Basically, I am a strong believer in that we are all meant for something. No one life is meaningless and what happens to us happens for a reason. Life is an experience and just like a video game, we get stronger as we go :D (love the nerd references eh?). I may be a broken record at times, saying these things over and over but a lot of events have revealed this to me. I am gay to help other people who may need it. Maybe you're gay, maybe you were an addict of some sort, maybe you were traumatized as a child by something, or maybe even traumatized recently. There is a reason it happened, think of what you can teach with that pain! I may sound a tad masochistic right now, but it's healthy pain. Teach your lessons and let people use you as a guide! It's a fantastic moment in life when you are capable of giving an opinion that you know will make a person think. Advice is priceless and a mind that contains this treasure is worth even more.

Be aware of who you are, and why you dealt with life so far! You're potential is far beyond what you believe, show yourself it's more than you think it is :)