These past few days I have been doing my best do try and message different services and online support groups in hopes that this will happen as I'd hope. Please ask questions or comment on anything even if we aren't near each other, I'd be glad to talk to anyone! Or if anyone has an idea on how to get my blog more well known I'd love to hear the suggestions.
So something crazy happened to me today. I checked out Facebook and my horoscope came up. The horoscope says "You have an opportunity to take on a new leadership role among your friends and companions today. You could be the lucky star for a charity, group or club who need someone to inspire or motivate their membership. It may also be lucky for your future.". What are the chances? Of course there's also a possibility that they Facebook stalked me and gave me what I wanted to hear. I like to believe it's just a strange coincidence though :D Too bad my font got all funky after I quoted my horoscope...I don't know how to work this blog...
Honestly I cannot think of anything to blog about today. I guess I can share a bit about myself and why I'm doing this.
So back in the 4th grade, I recognized I found a guy attractive but immediately shot down those thoughts and told myself that I wasn't ACTUALLY feeling that. When 8th grade came around I found a guy, who was a year ahead of me, I thought was very attractive. I told my mom and she began to cry, she was shocked. Which I get, she wanted differently for me but eventually came to realization that I'm her son and there's nothing more important to her than me living happily, even if it's with another male. I allowed myself to bathe in my emotions for this guy a bit too much and became hopeful that he was into me to. Towards the end of my year I gave him a note expressing my feelings towards hims and asking him not to tell a soul about the note and about me. Well, he told his whole 9th grade class and that year I was called many different gay slang terms and people were talking behind my back constantly. It destroyed my confidence and after that, I took it personally.
9th grade I moved to another school because it was just finished that year and ready to be used, along with the fact that my current school was over crowded. After the 8th grade, I told myself that it was just a phase, there was nothing wrong with me. I was able to ignore my thoughts up until the 11th grade. In the 11th grade, school became difficult which set me off. I started to experience anxiety and depression as a by product. That whole year was a huge struggle to keep up with grades and still attempting to ignore my thoughts even though it was clear to me that I was homosexual. I experienced multiple panic attacks due to the built up pressure and half way through the 12 grade I decided to say it out loud to myself. "I am gay, there's nothing wrong with that". Now I probably sound insane haha but it honestly helped me to hear myself accepting this verbally. Though I still had plenty of thoughts rushing through my head because I'm christian and I had to come out to everyone and deal with the comments of people who may have disagreed with my so called "decision". Which it is definitely not something I decided to be.
As the year progressed I looked up bible verses about being gay and talked to various people along with looking up advice from the internet and a therapist. I created my own image of my God that I have chosen to believe in. No one honestly knows a thing about God other than what's said in the bible. There are many different ways certain controversial issues could go with religion, after all the bible is written in a dead language and in metaphors. So who says I can't believe in how I want?
After 12th grade, when I graduated, I told my closest friends and family members first then came out on Facebook. I had more support than I expected but still had some doubts. I began to look for some people who understood me on a dating website and met my first boyfriend. I was lucky to find him as my first. He was extremely kind to me and helped me a lot. I think a huge part of my rejection was the fact that I felt alone. I always thought to myself "I don't understand why people feel alone, there are 8 billion people on the planet. How could I be the only one". Reflecting on that now though, I was lonely. I knew there were people who had a hard time like I did, but never met them. Without the physical connection, the people who have been hurt the same way as you have, don't exist in the mind. Or that's how my mind works at least. So he helped me to love myself because he treated me so well and basically showed me that I'm not the only person, I'm not screwed up for anything, this has been reoccurring for years but is just now being accepted by society.
After we broke up, I began talking to other people about the same topic. We kind of figured things out together and helped each other out with our own perspectives on the world. This is why I want to try and help anyone I possibly can. I faced all of that anxiety, depression and loneliness. I am young, but age doesn't govern my wisdom. I spent years searching for reasons, I found answers, I found wise words from quotes, from family, from friends, from therapists. I believe I can help people, or we can help each other :)
This is who I am. I failed to mention, throughout this time, I learned instruments and began writing songs to express myself. Without music I would not have any outlet, no way to lead the negativity out of me. I absolutely LOVE music. It has saved me in a sense.
I highly recommend finding a hobby that suits you to express yourself. Tomorrow I will post something to prove that art is important to us as humans, to allow us to feel connected emotionally and understand new perspectives. This is my story, feel free to share yours :) sorry for the novel size of this, but if you read it all, thank you :)
No comments:
Post a Comment