Is great. I first heard them on the radio when I was in the car with my boyfriend not too long ago. The song that played was called "Say Something" by A Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera. Such a beautiful song :D anywho! So in the comments of the music video for "Say Something" someone mentioned them being gay and I looked it up.
They are not gay, to my knowledge, however I found this song they did write called "Everyone Is gay". I love it not only musically and comically but it also displays quite a nice message. The way they phrase everything makes being bi, gay and straight all alike. They give us all the pros and no cons to all 3 sexual preferences and I think sometimes it's best we just hear what's good about us. We hear enough negativity as it is on a day to day basis. So give it a listen and I hope you like it :) It's very fun!
I don't know why but the video split my text in half, but oh well haha :)
Love you all and remember! There's nothing wrong with who you are! I don't care what anyone says, if you are happy with yourself then keep it and don't be afraid to flaunt it! The ones who pick on you are envious of your comfort. If you are unsatisfied for some reason, try changing it, if that doesn't work, try accepting it :) We over think so much and accepting yourself is honestly one of the most important and key things to living a good life :)
I just wanted to say that I hope this blog is serving it's purpose. I hope that the people who have read my blog are enjoying life or have a new, better perspective on something that was once a danger to themselves. Thank you to everyone who reads my MASSIVE posts :) You guys are awesome! I love everyone for the support and views :)
You guys, this video is awesome. I honestly feel like I've taken too much for granted.
A man explains what existing is. Why we exist and teaches us to see it from a more...spiritual perspective. When I say spiritual I don't mean Religious, I mean as a community of the same race. Those emotions we all experience, those unwritten rules of humanity, such as murder is bad or that anxious feeling of disappointment. I've discussed my thoughts about the same topic, how we exist is not something just worthless, but it's for us. This man explains it much better than I do and he uses the comparison of science verses real world experience. Science tells us we are mating machines, we are programmed to survive. We are not programmed. Sure we experience instinct, and to the extent we may consider ourselves "programmed" but what you do, who you are, is all inside of you. I'll stop there and let you enjoy the video :)
"And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. F*** it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself."
- Unknown
I frequently deal with the fact that I need to move on. I took a year off school and the future is calling. The thing that pulls me back, that deafens me, is my own confidence. Ever since 8th grade, when I attempted to accept myself and experienced such a negative reaction towards who I was, it destroyed my self esteem. It is my fault for allowing this to happen, I can't make excuses. The quote above is so simply blatant about being yourself that it just slapped me in the face. I am moving on from here, I signed up for a community college. That doesn't mean I'm 100% satisfied but it's a step in the right direction I feel.
I wanted to share this with you guys because I don't believe there is one life in this world that is and has always been satisfied with itself. Mistakes are just normal but we don't accept them as that and beat ourselves up. There are those of us that move on much more easily and those of us who have a much more difficult time facing it. The most important thing here is to just work yourself out of it. Pressure can be healthy in situations to help you move on or it can force you to curl up in your shell even more, just remember to do it on your own time.
This is your life, your world, you will know what's best for you and at what time. You will know when you are either fully healed or taking advantage of your excuses. I just hope that you choose the right one, whoever you are and what you did. I hope the mistakes you made, or make, are never just a hole in your heart the rest of your life, fix it and help others with what you have learned. People need that. I sure as hell would have loved that guidance. You have to help yourself before you can help others. Make sure to give yourself some credit for taking on the world and make sure you know you love yourself. In all honesty I never really understood what it meant to be true to yourself, I mean...I knew the general aspect of it but I had to experience it to fully understand and now I do. Do what you would do. Don't ever do anything under influence, that's what it means to be true to yourself. Often times we suppress our quirkiness around others. Just do it. Simple as that, no thoughts about it, just do it.
Hopefully this all makes sense and someone takes the time to read it. I know all of my blogs are really long, I apologize for that, I guess I just have a lot to say.
Sorry it's been so long guys! I just needed some inspiration and I've been busy with family and friends :) I found something to talk about though! It's not related to homosexuality, in fact I feel most of the stuff in this blog has been more relative to just life in general as opposed to homosexuality lol.
I believe I've mentioned this in past posts, the fact that I am very self conscious about my unmasculinity. Recently I have been tweaking out more and more because I can't quit comparing. I watched an ASAP Science video (along with plenty of night of thinking) that explained the body. Now, the reasons I feel unmasculine are mainly physical. I see myself as slim (because people are CONSTANTLY reminding me of how thin I am) short (I'm only 5'8) and as ridiculous as this sounds, hairless. I am under the impression, no thanks to society, that men need to be burly, tall and strong to support a family. Women are naturally drawn to tall muscular men and I am neither of those things. What doesn't help at all is, my best friend is VERY much your generic man. He is 6'1 and 200 lbs with a lot of natural muscle. I complimented him, but in the wrong way. This probably doesn't make a lot of sense right now, I'll explain. I would say something along the lines of "you're lucky you're so tall and naturally huge". This type of compliment was obviously directed towards him but also it was directed at myself. I would verbally put down myself by emphasizing the physical qualities I wish I had the he did. That is envy my friends.
Envy is just as any other sin, addicting and self destructive. I felt unfit for a family, a son, a brother, a friend and a man because of this. Just recently though, I found some quotes and videos, as I mentioned above, that have helped me change my mind. I convinced myself that I am not destined to be gay. I felt condemned to homosexuality because I wasn't masculine enough to take care of a woman or hold her. My son wouldn't have the big strong father he should have, not like the one my 6'1 beast of a man friend would be. Why would she choose me over him or another man just as big, if not bigger than him?
After thinking and reading multiple things, I came to realize that 1. people love people, not genders. I am not going to allow myself to be with a man only because I am unconfident in my own masculinity. 2. What happens, happens. If I meet a woman who I find intriguing then so be it! I will act on how I feel regardless of sex. I don't want to say I am Bisexual, because that is a title and I am not willing to accept titles. Titles are exactly what lead me to believe I am unfit for a man. I am just me, and that's that. 3. I am built to operate at my best. My body may not be huge and muscular, but the amount of muscle I do have is optimal for my bodies build to operate in the most healthy way possible. The best I can do is reach my individual peak of muscularity if I so please and take pride in the work I have done to get there. Being short and slim, with large ribs has a huge advantage. My friend I mentioned earlier in this blog may be able to lift more but I ran 30 minutes without exercising for a year, if not more. I'm built for endurance and that is just as good a quality as being big and strong. I don't mean to compare but for this particular reason, it will provide a good example. He lifts more than me, I can out run him. We're both built differently and there are a TON of people on this planet. There is no way that there is not one woman who wouldn't want to be with me. I say woman because at this point in time, I want a family of my own to take care of. When the time comes, however, I know I will be happy regardless of what sex I am with.
4.Being the best is impossible. There is only one person who can be number one. Everyone else is set on a level. Don't feel inferior to people on a higher level though because it's not like you're stuck on one level of whatever it is you decide to compare. Everything can be worked on. Not only that but there are other people on the same exact level as you. I don't know if this helps you as much as it helps me, I just like to feel that I'm not alone and that progress is a possibility. Also keep in mind that what that one person is good at that you feel you are not good at, is not as good as you at something you can do.
I am a little bit strange and I may be small, but I can run like Sonic and have faith that there is someone out there who will love me for who I am, other than my family and friends :) Everyone has a physical and personality preference for their ideal individual, that being said, that is A LOT of different variations of preferences. It doesn't matter if I am not the most attractive man, or even if I'm not as attractive as my friends. It's the fact that they are not who I am. They don't, nor can they, think like me, act like, or even be like me. Same goes for everyone else who is reading this. You are extremely unique in the best way possible. Embrace your personal skills and refrain from comparison to others. It will lead you deeper in to envious thoughts and end up destroying your mental health.
Is the hope that becomes a growth. It's a cancer building upon itself until we can't see anything else happening, we don't want to see anything else happen, other than seeing this hope become our reality.
I bring this up because it's something I often easily find myself fighting. Hope that maybe I'll be straight, hope that maybe being a musician isn't as unstable as people say, hope that people will be accepting. For those of us who enjoy feeling and allow ourselves to embrace our emotions, we deal with this a lot. It is and is not our fault.
The more we think about it (the more we want it), the more we can see it become our future. Worse part is, there is still that little voice telling us "This isn't right". I will never say all hope is vein but it's all in moderation. We control our thoughts and in this sense it is our fault. It is not our fault completely though because we can't control what we want and what we don't, we can only control to what degree we want it.
Now, this is the hardest part, ignore it. I hate to say it, but when hope is eating you alive because you know that this is just not possible, yet you continue to fantasize because it's something you've always wanted, something so divine that it will affect you in the best way possible, it's time to stop. What is in our future will be there, it's waiting and what happens happens. It's not going to change when the moment passes. It will happen just as it should and if what does happen doesn't match up to what you think should happen, you will be distraught after allowing those fantasies to consume your thoughts.
It's best to realize the unhealthy addictions before it has a chance to damage you. Hope is a grand aspect of life, it aids us in our pursuit of our goals. Without it, ambition wouldn't exist, we need that want, that hope that something will happen and grant us this gift.When it so obviously is too farfetched, it's destructive. So don't ever give up on dreams, don't lose your hope, just don't expect it to happen. Expect everything and be satisfied with nothing, or expect nothing and be satisfied with everything.
I apologize if my blogs have become increasingly depressing lately, but these have been things I have dealt with. Everything on this blog will be something I have personally dealt with. Some of them will be light hearted others may not, but I just wanted to get this warning out there.
Basically put, keep yourself in check. Don't expect anything to happen or you will find yourself disappointed too often. Hope this helps open some eyes :) hope you guys have all experienced something fantastic lately! Love you all :)
Hey friends :) Today I was thinking about why homosexuality is not a terrible thing. It's kind of funny I made this blog to directly assess the topic of homosexuality and I've been discussing the byproducts such as depression, self rejection, and suicide more so than I have the topic of being gay.
I figured tonight I would post my thoughts on homosexuality. More on a social level as opposed to religious though because I don't know how many people are religious and whether we deal with the religious side or not, we will all face the social rejection.
Let's think about society for a second. Now, I don't want to be some sort of hippy who says society is corrupt and blah blah blah, but they create ideas in our minds of right and wrong that aren't necessarily right or wrong. Example, I have faced difficulties finding myself attractive because I am very short, thin, and just feel unmasculine. Why do I feel this way though? It's because society has created this image that men should be tall, muscular, eat beef jerky, and drink beer. A man is a man. Simple as that, if you have your man hood, you're a man. Sorry if that's weird but I mean....there's no sense in complicating it. Society freaks out about everything. They believe sugar, along with a million other foods, when mass consumed, causes cancer with no back up research. Anything in excess can have a terrible outcome, but they are just constantly searching for answers and homosexuality is one thing that is unanswered.
Personally, I can understand the fear of the unknown to an extent. Space scares me because we haven't explored it yet, it's huge, it's deadly and dark. I even feel uneasy in pitch black because I don't know what's there, but when it comes to personality, the unknown does not affect me. So, I guess I can't comprehend why people are afraid of homosexuality just because it's unexplained. Since homosexuality is such an unknown topic though, people are immediately detesting it because it doesn't make sense, it's strange. Now what the heck is wrong with abnormality? There is not one single human on this planet that is not considered strange by someone else.
The issue is perspective. I just think that when one perspective has been expressed, especially by a community, it becomes a mindset. The mindset grows on people and becomes apart of their own beliefs, homosexuality is victim of this permeating perspective. People express dislike towards homosexuals, and yet they have problems of their own. The pot calling the kettle black. Don't you dare tell me I am abnormal just because I express my differences. If I looked down deep enough to find something I found odd about you, I could easily point it out and ridicule that same someone who ridicules me. At least I am comfortable enough to be me, to allow myself my happiness in my so called "mistake".
The worst part is we can't change this. What others feel or think is not in our control, but that doesn't mean we should be taken down because of them. Your mind is your own worst enemy. No one can put you down without your consent. Filter your thoughts, filter the outside influences and rid yourself of them. If someone keeps putting you down and makes you feel uncomfortable with yourself, tell them either they need to keep their mouth shut or you need to stop talking because it's not fair. You could just as easily express disappointment in them against something you don't agree with that they do. Learn to ignore the comments, it's not easy at all. Feeling isolated like that is hurtful. When you know people are against you, especially a whole community is against you, it's tough but you know there is also a lot of people who aren't. There are a million people who would love to help or to accept others. The thing is, the people who dislike homosexuality are just very outspoken about it, the people who don't mind don't feel the need to say anything because it doesn't bother them, if that makes sense. People seem to just love to complain I guess is what it is. Just know, that they have as many faults as you do. I don't care how perfect they seem, they have something about them that another person would consider either strange or wrong.
Basically, just ignore rude comments. What is life anyways? Are we not here to spend time? Shouldn't that time be worth spending? Then love yourself and other, because being hateful, even if the hate seems justified, is not good. Two wrongs don't make a right. Don't get caught up in those things and just brush off the negatives :) Remember, you aren't weird or abnormal, it's all perspective. Hope this makes sense to you guys and you act on it :)
So I feel like I haven't posted anything for 6 years lol. It's probably been only 5 days? I can't remember and I'm too lazy to check at this very moment, but good news! I got some people to share my blog and got some professional recommendations to share it as well. I am starting a meet up on Meetup.com, so excited :D I have still had a very difficult time thinking of things to talk about but, one thing that can get to me quite often is, why am I who I am? I don't mean the way I was raised but more so, why did I have to turn out gay?
I have friends who don't disown me because I'm gay but don't necessarily like that I'm gay. They encourage I fight it, yet say they accept it. I love that they are okay with it, and they feel they can express themselves around me, but what never feels okay is that I know it's something they want me to deny. Do they accept me? I always think to myself, if they did then why would they feel this way? I guess they don't necessarily dislike me, it's something I am they dislike, but to me...what I am is who I am.
This leads me to ask, why couldn't I just be straight? Life would be so much easier. I would love to have children of my own flesh and blood, a product of love, something very precious between me and my spouse. Religiously it would save me troubled thoughts of potentially going to hell. I know having children (naturally) is not possible though with who I am. I always want to say "who I've chosen to be", but I never chose this. Honestly, if I could still be me without being gay then I would! In a heart beat. Here's the thing though, is it possible to be me if I had never been trialed?
If I was never gay, or even had the thoughts at all, I would have never felt the rejection of myself or from others that rejected me back in 8th grade. Those were terrible times, I won't lie, but they are key to who I am today. I hated myself, I felt hate from others, and in this I was able to learn to care more than ever. Feeling so low and down allowed me the capability to empathize for others who feel low as well. Not only this but I've learned it's important to put myself in the shoes of others.
The reason I started this blog is because of the stuff I faced, the reason I want to make a community support group is to help people who are fighting what I have fought. I hope this is all coming clear, I'm okay with being gay, even if I face some sort of passive/aggressive rejection because it's helped me help others. Putting myself into the shoes of others has taught me to give the benefit of the doubt to others. Horrible things happen to good people, people are bullies as a result of this, people judge as a result of this, and I don't want to say I'm okay with such behaviors but I can't blame them.
Basically, I am a strong believer in that we are all meant for something. No one life is meaningless and what happens to us happens for a reason. Life is an experience and just like a video game, we get stronger as we go :D (love the nerd references eh?). I may be a broken record at times, saying these things over and over but a lot of events have revealed this to me. I am gay to help other people who may need it. Maybe you're gay, maybe you were an addict of some sort, maybe you were traumatized as a child by something, or maybe even traumatized recently. There is a reason it happened, think of what you can teach with that pain! I may sound a tad masochistic right now, but it's healthy pain. Teach your lessons and let people use you as a guide! It's a fantastic moment in life when you are capable of giving an opinion that you know will make a person think. Advice is priceless and a mind that contains this treasure is worth even more.
Be aware of who you are, and why you dealt with life so far! You're potential is far beyond what you believe, show yourself it's more than you think it is :)
As you all know, I have been trying to post one thing a day. This is getting increasingly difficult lol. So my incredibly brilliant friend of mine recommended I gather ideas throughout the week and set up one day to blog about my encounters/ideas. I am going to begin to do this so I am not scrounging for ideas and hopefully I will keep this blog going! I enjoy it a lot, it's fun to know that people have seen it and for anyone who has kept up with reading it thank you! :) it means the world to me!
I once had a conversation with my sister that, after we came to this realization together, enlightened me on humanity. I've never had a doubt about the fact that we need each other because we are social creatures and that is proven with psychological tests and what not. I, however, never personally saw and example of this behavior, simply just had heard of it.
Here's how it goes. I was in the car with my sister as she started her job at 9-1-1. She mentioned people talked to her like she was a machine, they become impatient and rude. Now I understand they are probably freaked out because of an emergency, so that completely makes sense but it's still something you recognize, that when you are behind a machine answering questions, you are a machine answering questions to those people. I already figured as much because it's the same psychology behind road rage, they feel it's ok to freak out because it's just a machine, they are not cognizant of the fact that that IS a person behind the wheel. I said "Well then why don't they just have machines do all the work?". My sister replied with "The callers wouldn't be satisfied. They don't realize it, but they rely on us to comfort them". Immediately I was enlightened. Humans aren't just a necessity in a social aspect but we are the only ones capable of expressing emotion, or empathizing.I told her that it's interesting to think that a machine could get the information in faster than we could, more proficient. If that were to happen though, the stress of the situation could get out of hand and your imagination can take it from there.
We need each other. It's just like she said, they rely on the recipient to give them comfort. In multiple calls people ask for the person to stay on the line. Why do you think that is? In case something bad happens? No, because this is AFTER the fact that help has been sent. They want emotional support as well, nothing man made could ever provide us with that. It's incredible to think of us to that extent and almost kind of beautiful.
I STRONGLY believe every person on this planet has a reason. We all need each other, even if you don't do something as intense as 9-1-1 calls. One of my good friends was working and was having troubles with his sexuality at the time. A woman walked up to him and said "You know....I like the term it is what it is" and he ALWAYS said that to comfort himself. It reminded him that, what is happening is for a reason, there's nothing to change, there's no wrong, it is what it is. He was so blown away. Simply talking to someone with the most genuine expression can save their life :) Ralph Waldo Emerson said "To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - that is to have succeeded". To make someone's day even just a little better is something to be proud of!
Go prove people aren't as terrible as they seem to be. Go prove to people that we aren't just a bunch of machines operating as society intended. Show that we are so much more beyond that! We have these emotions for a reason and even more so, these connections to others. We need each other, unlike the machines we make and I think that is something amazing to realize :)
P.S. Sorry for my late blog entry! I've been with my friend all day and didn't really have the time.
It was recommended that I share the art that has helped me throughout my time dealing with things so this post is going to be full of mainly quotes and songs. A blog on food for thought I guess.
Before I continue, I just wanted to share some of my music I've written. All of it is on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/user/forsakable123) feel free to check it out!
Of course I know we don't all share the same taste in art but in case anyone is interested :)
Canvas by Imogen heap
This song is PURE art. Put some headphones in and listen. Do not just hear it, don't make it background noise, listen. It's gorgeous.
The Moment I Said It by Imogen Heap
This song was something I listened to every time I had a panic attack. It made me see myself from an outside perspective, how my friends felt when they saw me dealing with stuff and made me want to deal with what I had. It's normal to experience discomfort in your own mind and have doubts about yourself but when it becomes heavy on those people who care, it's time to do what you have to to fix the problem. It just gets worse and worse on the both of you.
Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap
A song that really helped me keep my head on straight. Lots of Imogen haha, she's a good person.
Quotes
All of these quotes were very inspirational. Many of them by transcendentalists, I am not on myself but I love the way they think about certain aspects of life.
“Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.”
"Envy is ignorance; That imitation is suicide" - This one was big for me. I remember thinking I would try and satisfy the majority by being straight and living with it. I envied those who were straight because I wish I was, however this combination of envy and imitation was a horrible mistake on my part and ultimately lead to self destructive behavior.
"Courage does not always roar, sometimes Courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I'll try again tomorrow."
"When you take a flower in your hand and really look at it, it's your world for the moment" - Live in the moment :)
"A fool flatters himself, a wise man flatters the fool." Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton - Be wise and learn form the mistake we make. Learn from the mistake of others, we don't have enough time to make them all ourselves (this is a quote too but it fits with this one lol so they go together)
""By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
Confucius "
"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done. Lucille Ball "
"1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."
Try applying these to your own life style. Quotes are just bits of wisdom, things to learn from other people. Take them into consideration, don't just read them. They hold moral value, which is what a majority of us lack. I'm not trying to sound self righteous, because I know I have a lot to learn. The difference is, I try to learn, and those who don't pay attention, never try. Don't try and you won't get very far. Wisdom is a grand quality in a person. I've never met a person who has expressed dislike towards a wise man/woman. Like I said, learn from the quotes, from the mistakes of others and apply them to yourself :) I can honestly say it helped a lot. I spent most of my time on the internet looking up quotes when I first came out and was dealing with other kids who enjoyed making fun of me. Quotes and Music are 2 fantastic pieces of wisdom to pass on :) Hopefully this helps or sparks some interest in you all who are searching for an outlet, or an answer of some sort.
Here it is. A school in Roxbury, Massachusetts had a very weak art program to begin with. The kids attending the school had been acting out and so the principle decided to get rid of the art program completely to hire 3 security guards to handle the kids. The school got worse and worse, 2 years later it was ranked in the bottom 5 public schools in the area. When there 6th principle was hired he decided to get rid of the security guards to bring back art. After the change he made, grades began improving and the kids became less violent.
This is just hard proof that the human mind is powerful, but has it's fragility as well. Emotions are it's weakness. We can build and create robots with depth perception, we can create new theories of math and music, but our emotions break us down at times. Art, or creativity in general, is the outlet (but art has a better way of defining emotion as opposed to science or other creation). Like I said, I personally write music to ease my soul. It's like writing a letter to the things that bother you. I saw once that if you're made at someone, it helps to write a note then never send it. I tried it and it works VERY well. My music does the same exact thing in a more abstract sense. Not only the music I create but music from others can also be very touching, or wise, something I can learn from.
Art is not only for ourselves but to give others a sense of a universal soul. Now I don't mean to go all hippy on you guys, but think about it. We can connect with each other through art. A picture is worth a thousand words, poetry touches the soul. What does The Scream say to you? How does The Tell-Tale Heart speak to you? There's emotion in both pieces of art, something of humanity is stored inside of what we see and comprehend that we can relate to. Of course, those are only examples of popular art I used. Maybe those aren't as relatable as others that we encounter.
The reason I bring this up though is because I wanted to be a musician. I felt lost because I believed that music wasn't necessary. I wouldn't be giving anything to my community, or changing the world with music. I need to be a doctor, or construction worker, or psychologist to help in this world. I talked to my sister about this, she is very wise, and told me that art is a universal language. It gives people a sense of comfort to see and feel, they aren't alone in the things they wish to express. It made sense to me after that, I connect with music in that way, and some poetry as well.
Never underestimate art :) use it as an outlet, it's beautiful to us for a reason. People cry when they see pictures, watch movies, read quotes, and/or listen to music for a reason. It touches the soul like nothing ever could. I recommend finding your outlet if there is emotional discomfort in your life :) it's a life saver
These past few days I have been doing my best do try and message different services and online support groups in hopes that this will happen as I'd hope. Please ask questions or comment on anything even if we aren't near each other, I'd be glad to talk to anyone! Or if anyone has an idea on how to get my blog more well known I'd love to hear the suggestions.
So something crazy happened to me today. I checked out Facebook and my horoscope came up. The horoscope says "You have an opportunity to take on a new leadership role among your friends and companions today. You could be the lucky star for a charity, group or club who need someone to inspire or motivate their membership. It may also be lucky for your future.".What are the chances? Of course there's also a possibility that they Facebook stalked me and gave me what I wanted to hear. I like to believe it's just a strange coincidence though :D Too bad my font got all funky after I quoted my horoscope...I don't know how to work this blog... Honestly I cannot think of anything to blog about today. I guess I can share a bit about myself and why I'm doing this. So back in the 4th grade, I recognized I found a guy attractive but immediately shot down those thoughts and told myself that I wasn't ACTUALLY feeling that. When 8th grade came around I found a guy, who was a year ahead of me, I thought was very attractive. I told my mom and she began to cry, she was shocked. Which I get, she wanted differently for me but eventually came to realization that I'm her son and there's nothing more important to her than me living happily, even if it's with another male. I allowed myself to bathe in my emotions for this guy a bit too much and became hopeful that he was into me to. Towards the end of my year I gave him a note expressing my feelings towards hims and asking him not to tell a soul about the note and about me. Well, he told his whole 9th grade class and that year I was called many different gay slang terms and people were talking behind my back constantly. It destroyed my confidence and after that, I took it personally. 9th grade I moved to another school because it was just finished that year and ready to be used, along with the fact that my current school was over crowded. After the 8th grade, I told myself that it was just a phase, there was nothing wrong with me. I was able to ignore my thoughts up until the 11th grade. In the 11th grade, school became difficult which set me off. I started to experience anxiety and depression as a by product. That whole year was a huge struggle to keep up with grades and still attempting to ignore my thoughts even though it was clear to me that I was homosexual. I experienced multiple panic attacks due to the built up pressure and half way through the 12 grade I decided to say it out loud to myself. "I am gay, there's nothing wrong with that". Now I probably sound insane haha but it honestly helped me to hear myself accepting this verbally. Though I still had plenty of thoughts rushing through my head because I'm christian and I had to come out to everyone and deal with the comments of people who may have disagreed with my so called "decision". Which it is definitely not something I decided to be. As the year progressed I looked up bible verses about being gay and talked to various people along with looking up advice from the internet and a therapist. I created my own image of my God that I have chosen to believe in. No one honestly knows a thing about God other than what's said in the bible. There are many different ways certain controversial issues could go with religion, after all the bible is written in a dead language and in metaphors. So who says I can't believe in how I want? After 12th grade, when I graduated, I told my closest friends and family members first then came out on Facebook. I had more support than I expected but still had some doubts. I began to look for some people who understood me on a dating website and met my first boyfriend. I was lucky to find him as my first. He was extremely kind to me and helped me a lot. I think a huge part of my rejection was the fact that I felt alone. I always thought to myself "I don't understand why people feel alone, there are 8 billion people on the planet. How could I be the only one". Reflecting on that now though, I was lonely. I knew there were people who had a hard time like I did, but never met them. Without the physical connection, the people who have been hurt the same way as you have, don't exist in the mind. Or that's how my mind works at least. So he helped me to love myself because he treated me so well and basically showed me that I'm not the only person, I'm not screwed up for anything, this has been reoccurring for years but is just now being accepted by society.
After we broke up, I began talking to other people about the same topic. We kind of figured things out together and helped each other out with our own perspectives on the world. This is why I want to try and help anyone I possibly can. I faced all of that anxiety, depression and loneliness. I am young, but age doesn't govern my wisdom. I spent years searching for reasons, I found answers, I found wise words from quotes, from family, from friends, from therapists. I believe I can help people, or we can help each other :) This is who I am. I failed to mention, throughout this time, I learned instruments and began writing songs to express myself. Without music I would not have any outlet, no way to lead the negativity out of me. I absolutely LOVE music. It has saved me in a sense. I highly recommend finding a hobby that suits you to express yourself. Tomorrow I will post something to prove that art is important to us as humans, to allow us to feel connected emotionally and understand new perspectives. This is my story, feel free to share yours :) sorry for the novel size of this, but if you read it all, thank you :)
I was at my friend's house today while he was playing the longest game of Alcatraz Nazi Zombies I've ever seen. I decided to look on my youtube profile and saw a video that caught my interest visually called "The Forge - For Anybody Hurting". I decided to watch it and it was something I didn't expect at all. Almost like a learning experience. I was able to vicariously experience the pain of a suicide, and what a pain it was.
The video is about a brother and sister. The sister commit suicide and her brother was left with money to make a video of his choosing by his sister. With the money he made this video to express himself along with the narration of a letter he wished his sister could have heard before she commit suicide.
My own personal take on suicide has both a religious and moral view. Religiously, it affects you in a way that is impossible to recover from. Once you are dead, there is no repenting for the sin and thus it being the "unforgivable sin". Morally, it's selfish. I hate to say it because yeah, the pain this individual is facing is something horrid enough to make them think that death will free them. In reality, the people who lose you are left with the burden you no longer wish to bear. That is what's selfish about it. When suicide becomes and issue, it weighs on the shoulders of those who love the person. They wonder why the person felt these feelings, how they could have stopped them, why the person didn't ask them and when the mind dwells enough on a topic, it creates reason of it's own. Those reasons made, end up becoming a blame upon the person who wasn't there for their suicidal friend, or family member.
Talk to someone, be anonymous or go to a best friend/family member. Anyone who cares about you is willing to help and don't you think for even ONE second that no one cares about you or that you deserve to be cared about. Would I have written this if I didn't care? Would there be suicide hotlines if people didn't care? We may not know you, but we understand the pain that life can inflict. We didn't enjoy it and in that sense we are capable of empathizing, thus caring to help you no matter what. We are all human, and regardless of the reasons why you want to die, be that you feel you messed something up, or your messed up because of homosexuality or any reason at all. Know that as humans, we are given the chance to clean off our slate. Make a difference for yourself, make positive changes. We have our entire lives to make up for what we've done, leave it in the past and learn from the experience. Know that there will ALWAYS be someone who cares :) including myself. Don't be ashamed to get help, because in the end, you can say you've won the fight.
Hello again friends! While I patiently wait for a reply I will do my best to post daily (though comments and what not would help me tremendously in my posts. So please comment/ask questions!) :)
So I figured I'd share a song by Macklemoore. I'm not a fan of rap, and I'm actually extremely selective in my music, however Macklemoore was raised with multiple gay family members along with finding his love in a pop culture. His conflicted emotions lead him to write a song to express his take on the community's reaction towards gay rights. It's called "Same Love" featuring Mary Lambert. I'm going to post the lyrical music video so everyone gets the gist of what the song is about...Thing is I haven't yet found the proper way to post a video in my blog haha!
Got it! Man I'm good! haha kidding.
My friend's Mom showed this to me one day when her and her husband came over for dinner. I was reluctant to listen to it at first because it was rap. Not to be judgmental but all I ever hear in rap these days is "Boats and Hoes" kind of lyrics. Get rich, get dirty, get drunk, get pretty much everything that is what corrupts a human (which is so unfortunate because poetry is such a cool way to get a message across, especially in music). When I heard this song though it gave me goosebumps (or groosebumps for you fellow Zelda fans). I still, to this day, even after listening to it multiple times, get goosebumps. So please take the time to listen to this song even if it's not in your genre. It's a song I believe we can relate to and he represents the controversy so well through his words.
Hey guys :) I'm hoping to collaborate with some people in the local area of Puyallup, Washington. I noticed there is no gay support community around Puyallup and thus, I wanted to start one. I went through a very difficult time in my teenage years (8th-12th grade) when dealing with my homosexuality. I am a christian, I have always been but don't let that scare you away if you are interested in meeting up or asking questions :) I completely accept anyone for who they are, no matter the beliefs. I just want to help anyone who is or has felt like they are unworthy because of their sexuality.
Ultimately I'm hoping to eventually gather more and more people who are experiencing homosexual rejection. It's important to feel secure in your friendships and socially build relationships with people who understand the situation you are facing. The group will be non-judgmental and a very safe friendly environment where we can fully converse and express ourselves without the fear of being wrong. I am willing to offer any help I possibly can :) Whether it be an attempt to resist or accept your own feelings, I want to help you figure out who you are.
It's interesting how fragile our mind is. I have never faced anything more difficult than self rejection. Denying yourself who you are is self destructive and we were all given this life for a reason :) 1 in 40,000,000 other cells to be born, and we were the ones chosen. It's not coincidence and we all have the same rights to enjoy our lives! So please feel free to contact me at Ryanwhi93@gmail.com or comment on my blog anytime! I will try and keep things going and update my blog frequently. If there are any questions or concerns, feel free to ask! I am an open minded individual excited to meet new people!
